Gomer Pyle Goes To Washington

A country slick bunko artist playing the long rage con

An Open Letter to Mike Huckabee

What tha fuck Huck?  Do you really think we are dumb enough to believe that hokum you are spouting about how you misspoke when you said President Obama grew up in Kenya, and that that experience determines his political policies as President of the USA?   Do you actually think you can convince anyone who is not a moron, or close to it, that you really meant to say Indonesia?  It doesn’t surprise me if you actually believe you can pull this off because you spend most of your time talking to morons.

Didn’t yo mamma ever tell you that if you lie down with dogs you will get up with fleas?  What that means knuckle head is that if you spend all of your time consorting with charlatans, and preaching to imbeciles, it will eventually erode your capacity to construct logical arguments.  Hanging out with ignorant paranoid buffoons can so distort your perception of things you may begin to believe that you can fool all the people all the time!

As I watched you try to explain away your perfidious folly in television interviews two things came across my mind: first an image then the lines.  I kept thinking “I know I’ve seen this guy somewhere before.”  Then it hit me: you are a dead ringer for Gomer Pyle Huck, the hilarious hayseed with the golden voice.  I concluded that the main difference between you and Gomer is that he sings and you play bass guitar; Gomer was for real – what you see is what you get – and you are a phony baloney!  What the Italian wise guys call a “Fugazy!”  I know you think you are a real smart cookie; slick as cow shit, the way they say down in your neck of the woods.  But if you were half as smart as you think you are Huck, you would have better sense than to be telling us the kind of dumb shit you are telling us.  Either you are a shameless liar or you are a damned fool.

However you have a record of accomplishment that belies your attempt at naiveté.  Nobody who is as successful as you are could have made the kind of mistake that you are claiming.  Your entire thesis about President Obama’s world view was based upon the fact that President Obama hates the Anglo-Saxon dominated US because he hates the “British Imperialists.”  This hatred, according to you, was fueled by the fact that when young Barack was “growing up in Kenya” he heard his grandfather and father tell stories of how the “Mau Mau” – an African resistance movement – fought the hated the “British imperialists.”

Yet the same thing could be said of your grandfather if you go back far enough Huck!  Have you forgotten that the USA was born in a bloody revolution against British imperialist?  And the war of 1812, the last time foreign troops were on American soil, was also fought against the British imperialist.  You are parroting spurious prattle advanced by Denish De Sousa, that shameless little right-wing Coolie hack: a ubiquitous, obsequious, Gunga Din who will tell you Pukka Sahibs any kind of BS he thinks will buy your favor.  The joker even wrote a panegyric to that over praised air head Ronald Reagan.  Deni is a silver tongued bunko artist who plays you silly right-wing ideologues like a fiddle.  He knows how desperately you need a “Third World” colored man to defend the superiority of “western civilization.”  Incidentally, the founder of his country Mahatma Gandhi was an enemy of British imperialists too!  And if Deni Dimwit doesn’t support Gandhi’s struggle against the British he is an Indian version of Benedict Arnold!

Since you are genuinely ignorant of modern African history it is conceivable that don’t really know what you are talking about on this issue, yet there is no doubt that your argument rest on the fact that it was the British imperialist that you were referring to.  Otherwise your entire polemic makes no sense, since Indonesia is an Asian, not an African country and was colonized by the Dutch!   Hence we are left with two possibilities Huck: You are even dumber than you look, or you are lying yo ass off!  In the first instance you would be far too stupid to be President, like your girl Silly Sarah, or you are a BS artist who lack the integrity to hold that high office!

If you are willing to lie on television about a relatively picayune issue like this, how can you expect the nation to entrust you with the grand issues you will have to address as President.  As a voter I wouldn’t think of voting for such a person as you, even if we were in the same political party.  This is going to really hurt you with educated people, especially college grads looking for a leader of integrity who at least tries to tell the truth.   Is that why you are going for the white “non-college educated” demographic; the Joe The Plumber and Dumb Dora crowd?  Well that ground has been well prepared for you by the Alaskan Barbarian, whose main contribution to our political discourse is to make ignorance fashionable.  So if Silly Sarah doesn’t run you got them covered.

But beyond the fact that you insult our intelligence and play us cheap Huck, it is clear to anybody whose head is not stuck so far up their ass they can neither see nor hear, that you are also a racist.  You are are a resentful closet bigot just like most white southerners who flocked to the Republican Party after the Democrats became the party of “Civil Rights,” passing the 1964 Omnibus Civil Rights Bill that destroyed the de-jure apartheid system by which white supremacy was enforced;  Casting your beloved “southern way of life” in the dust bin of history…where it belongs!

You may be able to fool many of these silly white folks that you are a Teddy Bear, with your cuddly demeanor and cornpone southern charms, but I see you for what you are: an unreconstructed Neo-Confederate.  You are cut from the same sheet as Haley Barber, Trent Lott, Strom Thurmond, the new Governor of Virginia, and all the southern Republican Neo-Confederates who still refer to the Civil War as “the war of northern aggression” and deny that slavery had anything to do with that war.

In this Barnum and Bailey version of American history the Civil War was fought about “State’s Rights,” not the preservation of slavery.  Just like your attempts to avoid enforcing federal rulings on de-segregation, and other progressive issues like federally mandated health care, is miscast as a matter of state sovereignty.  You redneck ass holes are still trying to come to terms with the fact that yhall lost the war and the former slaves are free to be whatever they want to be.  And your worst nightmare, the thing that drove the racist fascistic apartheid system in the American south was the hysterical fear that an African would have his way with your white woman; a fear which the brilliant white southern female writer Lillian Smith – in whose honor a major literary prized is named – exposed as fear of payback southern white males suffer from in her revealing book “Killers Of the Dream.” Since you and I both grew up under that perverse system, we know she is telling the truth!

The truth is Huck, you, and all your demented Southern redneck Republican posse of a certain age, hate Barack Obama because his mother is a white woman – and a far prettier and accomplished one than yo mama or yo wife! – and his daddy is a black African of the “deepest dye” – as the early American scientist and surveyor of Washington D. C. Benjamin Banneker once described himself to Thomas Jefferson. In sum, Barack is your worst nightmare: The fruit of such a union has become President of the United States, a position you covet with all your heart and soul…and one you will never, ever, get!  Hence it just kills you, a “type A” Anglo-Saxon male who was raised to think yourself superior all men of color, that Barack Obama is the most powerful man in the world and you are a mere television clown!

That’s why you understand white racists so well Huck; yhall think alike!  And I believe that you are also acutely aware of the growing intensity of anti-black hatred in this country just now.  The Southern Poverty Law Center in Montgomery Alabama, the keenest observers of organized racial animosity in the South, has documented the dramatic rise in both racist white militias and incidents of anti-black discrimination.  According to their calculations: “The number of hate groups increased by 22 percent. The number of hate crimes stood at 1,753 in 2009, then jumped to 2,145 a year later. Many of the new groups are radical right wing groups. Their numbers grew to 1,000, the highest number reported since SPLC began counting such groups in the 1980s.”   According to the standards of the U.S. Department of Justice, “A hate crime is intended to hurt and intimidate because of race, color, religion, sexual orientation or disability. A hate crime is driven by prejudice.”

I’m sure that none of this comes as any surprise to you Huck.  Like everybody else, you have seen the racist signs liberally sprinkled throughout the crowd at Tea Party rallies.  Yhall pretend it’s all right to portray the President of the US as a bone-thru-the-nose-savage; just a few good old boys who want their country back letting off steam.  Yet if Barack Obama was a Jew and you held up signs showing him cast in the worst anti-Semitic stereotypes, there would be no question about either their odiousness or the danger they portend.

How Huckabee’s Tea Party Portrays Our President

Are these signs racist?

All the above explains how a man as smart as you could be out here on radio and television spouting the “birther” line; an argument that you know to be bullshit!  Although you know better, and have said as much in writing, you are willing to adopt the Tea Party line about Barack Obama having been born and raised in Kenya.  You shamefully encourage the belief that our President – a charming, brilliant, humane, hip, really cool husband and father, the personification of the American dream – is in reality a secret Muslim and alien other, who somehow conned the American people about who he really is and his intention to destroy America.

Your motive is transparent and unmistakable.  Everybody knows that Barack Obama had a far closer relationship to his mother’s family.  He spent formative years with his middle American grandparents from Kansas, and his uncle that fought the Nazi’s with General George Patton was far closer to Barack than his Kenyan father, whom he only met once or twice, or his Kenyan grandfather, whom he never met at all!  Yet you never mention them…I’d love to hear your explanation of how you came to believe that these good solid American white folks had less influence on Barack’s character than the Kenyans who he didn’t even know.  Unless you believe that African blood is omnipotent, like the “one drop rule” you southern white boys came up with, whassup with the Kenyan father yang? You are either a charlatan, a fool, or a bit of both Huck.  I believe the third possibility to be true

That’s why neither honor, duty nor love for your country restrains you from recklessly promoting the idea that President Obama is a deceptive miscreant who has usurped power and is running a Chicago style “gangster government” – as your fellow Tea Party star Michelle Bachman never tires of saying.  Is this what you really believe Huck?  Don’t shit me now… Cause like my main man Bubba Duck Jackson used to say: “Before I’d shit you I wouldn’t even fuck wit you!”  Now, if you have a different point of view Huck, if I have misrepresented your views in any way, then stand up and like a man and say it ain’t so…and in the name of Jesus, your professed Lord and savior, denounce these damned lies!   I double dare you like a dog!!!!!




Playthell Benjamin

February 10,  2011

Harlem, New York

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